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Welcome to the SafeHaven Forums
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Welcome to SafeHaven's message board. We invite you to post your questions, comments, and/or abortion/crisis pregnancy experiences. Our staff of volunteers is willing and eager to support and encourage you without judging or condemning.
SafeHaven is an online peer support group. We are here to support, encourage, and "be there" for each other. Those who have found healing are able to give hope to those who seek it. And for those of you who are in crisis, please don't be afraid to reach out. If you don't wish to post, feel free to email us privately.
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Sylvia
Posts:1
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| 08/02/2008 12:15 PM |
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| I have often wondered why I wasn’t called sooner to share my experience in a larger forum about my redemption. It has been my sweet secret for so many years now, and suddenly I am capable and called to share my hope with others. Of course everyone wants redemption. Perhaps those of you reading this paragraph feel that you are unworthy, that your sin is too big, that God doesn’t hear you. I guess I need to share my story so that you know that He does.
Some of the details of what happened to me that day about 30 years ago are unclear. The date eludes me. The season was summer or fall. The weather was pleasant and provocative. What I remember most about that time period in my life is the constant seeking and the constant feeling of unworthiness. I was convinced that I had separated myself from God, and the only way I can describe what that was like is to think of utter and complete darkness of the soul. A hole so big in your heart that nothing can come close to bringing light to it. It was a terrible feeling, and it prompted me to do ungodly things. What did it matter if I sinned more since I was already condemned? I spent my nights drinking, partying, and doing things with men that were inappropriate and unfulfilling. I longed to have the love for Jesus in my heart that I had had at an early, tender age, but I knew that I couldn’t find Him in my present darkness.
A strange series of event ensued to cause my redemption. The first event was the most traumatic and the one that caused the earthquake of separation between God and myself. I had an abortion at the age of 18. I can justify how it wasn’t really my idea; how the doctor told me it was best, how I tried to have the IUD removed and have the baby anyway, but the bottom line is: I had life removed from my womb. A sweet, innocent child lingered there and was abruptly and unceremoniously swept from my loins in an act that was so brutal, violent, and unkind that I cannot even think about it today without wanting to cry with the same soulful heart achy sound that I emitted as soon as I was told “It is all over now”.
It really was all over from that point. I’m sure clinicians would describe what I went through as ‘post abortion trauma” however, I had no clue that I was suffering from anything at all. I just figured it didn’t matter anymore how much of anything bad I did, because I had committed a mortal sin and was now separated from God. What a horrible choice to make and what a burden to carry.
I spent the next several years in varying degrees of sin. I went out west with a friend and experienced the loose sexual morays of the 70’s era. Drugs, sex, rock and roll. They all take their toll. I felt like I was catapulting myself away from God at a rapid fire pace. Alcohol and drugs became my spirit and choice. I had the answer, and I could find it for myself by experiencing my life without the confines of the God who had so tenderly nurtured me in my youth. Didn’t need Him, didn’t care, or so I thought. By the time I was 21, my lifestyle was starting to alarm me considerably! I couldn’t manage or maintain jobs, relationships, friends, housing, family. Things were crumbling around me, and I started to open my heart up again, wanting only to feel God’s light back in there, but knowing that I had turned from Him so seriously that I couldn’t get Him back. At that time I was waitressing in my parents’ restaurant, and there was a small click of “born again” Christians on our waitstaff. We started congregating at my house and they would share the stories of Jesus from the bible with me. I was pretty unfamiliar with His teachings, because I grew up in a house where my parents claimed to be Atheists. In fact, I suspect they were more lazy than non-God fearing or believing, but none-the-less, Christians were scoffed at in our home. I sought God out in my youth through neighbors and friends that were kind enough to cart me off to church with them, and I kept Jesus locked in my heart as a secret best friend so that my family wouldn’t make fun of me or try to hurt me because of my beliefs. This certainly didn’t lead to a solid understanding or study of scripture, which is what was now taking place for me.
Studying with my friends on those many nights was an amazing event. I wanted to learn so much about this God that I would never have in my life again. I wanted to read the scriptures and seek out what others would have that I would never be able to cherish or partake in. My heart was so broken because of all the wrong things I had done and how I had shut that door forever. I believed fully that I could love God again, but that I would never be able to “access” Him because I was destined for eternal damnation. Sounds harsh, no doubt, but it is what I believed and felt inside. I started reading the scriptures even when my friends weren’t around. I prayed to God and told Him how sad I was that I was no longer one of His children. It NEVER occurred to me that God would still love me, forgive me, and accept me. Not once. I just figured that I was “written out of the will” and had to make do looking from the outside in for the rest of my days (and into a very scary notion of eternity!)
Here comes the strange part… I was driving down the road one day, lost in thought. Certainly not thinking about God at all at the time. I had the radio turned up and was listening to a station. Suddenly, the loudest sound of angelic music came from nowhere! Combined with the sound of the radio, I seriously thought maybe I had died and was going to Heaven. I was so confused. I looked up to the right, and in the sky, just as is proclaimed throughout the bible, the Heavens opened up and I was able to “see” Jesus. I use the word “see” loosely, because the light shining from around and behind Him was so intense and bright that I can hardly say I was able to view Him clearly. It was a fraction of a second. It was a lifetime of salvation. It was redemption on the highway! (No wonder I haven’t shared the story often!) God did not speak to me; He didn’t have to. I looked at Him and was suddenly given understanding of the love that He has for me. In that one second, I felt complete acceptance, total understanding, warmth, compassion, light, healing, wholeness and I have never been the same. I realized that God loved me enough to do the only thing He could to convince me that I wasn’t separated from Him forever, and I am so eternally grateful for this. It was 30 years ago, but it changed my heart and life for always.
So, what is it like to be redeemed? My faith journey has gone at a turtles pace. It took awhile for me to abandon the alcohol, which I did through AA 24 years ago, but I did abandon the random sex life immediately. I actually felt like I was given a complete clean slate with which to proceed from. It made me rethink my choices on a daily basis. I still do. Every day I try to get closer to being what God would want me to be. I’m not doing too shabbily in that arena as I have a great, blessed, beautiful family of believers and I have a wonderful career as a teacher. Our faith as a family has taken a slow turn toward becoming more of a beacon for others, and it is really a much slower process than I would prescribe or wish, but I’ve learned that being hard on myself is my biggest problem. It actually is a bit of an insult to God if I get too wrapped in beating myself up and convincing myself of my unworthiness. If He could take that huge risk on me, I owe Him a lifetime of believing I’m worthy of His love; which is really that hardest part for me overall.
Today I was called to share my message and experience. I hope that the heart/s it is meant touch receive this message with clarity and rejoicing. Give it a chance; I know He loves you regardless of where you are and what you’ve done in your life. You are redeemed through His love, you just need to reach out and take it.
Bless you on your spiritual journey, and pray that mine will get stronger each day.
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